Fuck

Fuck I’ve had a shit day,
It took me forever to get going,
And to gain some control over anxiety,

Then I did get moving,
But a housemate started being extremely noisy,
With their friend,
Screaming and banging,

And I’m hiding in fear,
Away from the noise,

Fuck,
Now the screen is shaking,
From footsteps in the hallway,

โ€”This is misophonia you can physically feel in your feet,
And your arms,
As well as in your heart and soul,

FUCK!

I’m just going to ride this out,
Then begin again tomorrow,
I have more Valerian tablets,
Maybe they will help,

I’ve been through low points, emotional bottlenecks,
Before.

๐ŸŒช

40 thoughts on “Fuck

    1. They WERE on!!! Playing relaxing classical piano music!!! ๐Ÿ˜†

      Actually after I wrote this, I went to make some camomile tea and also observe just what the hell was going on. There were four of them in the living room next to my room, and after passing through a few times, I’d disturbed their ‘peace’ enough for them to shift upstairs. Now it’s fine.

      ๐Ÿ˜จ well now I know what to do! Just subtly make it more annoying for them!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, it was, thank fuck temporarily. A bunch a bad feelings climaxing! Oh it was hard not to scream, lol. The story I wrote was the only thing which could avoid it. I feel much better after writing that, and now it’s stopped :). Thank you ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Good stuff. I’m glad they’ve shut up.

        It’s good that writing helps in those situations – I’ve found it can help me avoid more destructive behaviours when I feel that build up of emotions too.

        It helps that what you write brings comfort to others too – both in knowing they’re not the only ones to suffer similarly, but also by giving ideas on how to cope with it.

        ๐Ÿ–ค๐Ÿ–ค

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you, the chat’s really helping too :), and making jokes lol.

        And thanks, that’s a really good comfort about helping others, because it does frustrate me sometimes that I have to write about that stuff now, when there’s other things I’d be writing about. But then again, it was this kind of writing which brought all of this to me, pushed me to actually write somethingโ€” I shouldn’t abandon my roots! Lol.

        Another thing that’s actually been happening, was the same guy has knocked on my window about 3 times, to be let in through the front door. The first time he mentioned leaving his keys in his car, but on the third time just now I asked him why he keeps doing itโ€” he’s actually locked his keys in his car, and he’s locked out of his room! I just gave him my toolbox to use…hope I don’t regret that! I thought fuck it, if it stops the noise… I can hear him using my hammer on it now lol. This noise is much more bearable, since I know it has a good reason for it…

        Like

      4. Honestly Robin.

        It just sounds like you live in a madhouse (as my good old Nan would say). I mean, honestly.

        Even without any issues you may bring to the party yourself, these folks just sound really inconsiderate and annoying.

        Communal living is difficult at the best of times, but the people you live with can make it better, or way worse.

        Sounds like you’re saddled with the latter. For now at least.

        I’m glad you found writing again. I rediscovered my passion for it (near enough a year ago to the day actually) after a life changing trauma and it has helped me hugely.

        As has the community here too who – thankfully – make communal living much easier than your roommates!!!

        Fingers (and hammers) you get your tools back and the guy stops bugging you. Either that or just stop letting him in.

        I would ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ–ค

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Wow, congratulations! ๐ŸŽ‚๐Ÿฅณ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿ’™

        I’m very happy for you managing to keep writing for all this time :D, despite your very obvious and real struggles. It’s an impressive achievement.

        Funny story I was just thinking the other dayโ€” I initially followed you, then unfollowed you, because I was annoyed by your lack of using commas! I was noticing nobody was using commas, and your blog was like the last strawโ€” no commas AND weird formatting ๐Ÿคฃ. Then for some reason I gave it another go, I properly understood the content, and it clicked and I became hooked! ๐Ÿ˜‡

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I hate commas. Punctuation in general to be honest.

        My distinct lack of it and my ‘weird formatting’ (nice ๐Ÿ˜ฎ) is my two fingers up at everything I was forced to learn, regurgitate and repeat throughout my experience at school and university.

        My last line of working class defence in the face of middle class academia – if you will.

        It doesn’t surprise me that you unfollwed me – my (sometimes deliberately) provocative tone, style and subject matter is not for everyone.

        But that’s as it should be. I’m just glad you came back! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ–ค

        Liked by 1 person

      7. “my two fingers up at everything I was forced to learn, regurgitate and repeat throughout my experience at school and university.

        My last line of working class defence in the face of middle class academia โ€“ if you will.”

        Hahahaha! I love that! That just makes your writing even better ๐Ÿ˜. I totally get it. You’d really get on with one of my friends lol, who’s unfortunately too depressed now to hang out with me… he’s said so many things just like that haha.

        It is definitely all as it should be! The formatting definitely adds to the sarcastic and blunt tone ๐Ÿ˜„. I stopped viewing it as ‘weird’ months ago, but as ‘cool’ ๐Ÿ˜‰. I’m glad too! ๐Ÿ’™

        Liked by 1 person

      8. I’ve actually made him a gift, (his birthday is sometime in February!) and I’m planning to drive to his house to give it to him. If I turn up out of the blue he always lets me in. Maybe I’ll go over tomorrow afternoon :). It’s 40 miles drive.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. You know I once caused a massive delay in an english lesson at school, because the teacher was adamant that the singular version of ‘woman’ was spelt ‘women’. And a few classmates were backing her up, too. I was like what.the.fucking.fuck, fuck.me.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Yup! Man, sounds like you had some bad experiences ๐Ÿ’™.

        I once had an English teacher from Birmingham who just sat on a desk and chatted to us the whole lesson. She had maximum respect from the class! Lol. The accent on her ๐Ÿ˜†.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Oh man my tension is finally starting to ease. They got into his room, just before I went up to investigate. My tools appear to be in one piece! Haha they had to make the most tremendous noise. My housemate who has annoyed me with the smoking, cigarettes all over the garden and traipsing them into the kitchen, was in the kitchen suffering too.

        Anyways, I can excuse mistakes and things like that, I’m glad I could help with the tools.

        But you’re totally right, I live in a madhouse! Thanks so much for saying that, it really helps to have somebody recognise and appreciate it!

        “Communal living is difficult at the best of times, but the people you live with can make it better, or way worse.”

        As long as I’ve ever had to share places, it’s always been ‘way worse’! As soon as I could rent by myself, I did from 2012 to 2018 (after bad experiences from 2005 when I first became independent). Since 2 years ago, and especially 1 year ago, I’ve just come to not be surprised by these developments.

        Yes, I’m honestly just trying to recover from my original problemsโ€” ADHD, OCD, Misophoniaโ€” or recover from the anxiety and OCD which they led to, BEFORE actually being able to address those others. But life keeps throwing this stuff at me, and I’m just trying to do MORE than survive.

        My housemates do define a lot of what I do, especially at weekendsโ€” I would’ve been asleep early tonight, to start again early tomorrow. But early on I realised I’d be staying up, and it just keeps pushing later tonight! That housemate has gone out somewhere for 20 mins, so he warned me he’d be knocking on the window again then lol.

        This is the least tense I’ve been the entire evening. I think these Kalms valerian tablets I’ve taken this evening have helped, though! I also find fruits like dates and raisins to be very anxiety-reducing. Weird, huh?

        That gives me strength knowing how you found writing helped, even after something so traumatic.

        I hadn’t actually done any writing before doing this blog. I’d always wanted to get into writing for about 10 years, but either my life was never stable enough/I was never relaxed enough to write about what I wanted to, or I just couldn’t decide how to, or when. Writing about my problems just gave me a a real focus, and a need to write!

        So it’s funny how all this trauma and struggle has led to me breaking through that barrier to do something I knew I would love!

        Liked by 1 person

      12. So sorry, I just wrote so much ๐Ÿ˜†. I dunno how! It helped just writing it out :).

        Liked by 1 person

      13. You’re amazing, thanks so much! Few people have that kind of patience or desire to read/listen to so much! ๐Ÿ’™

        Liked by 1 person

      14. That housemate is genuinely having a shit day. His mate’s car battery is flat now, so they’re stranded here for even longer figuring out what to do. He knocked on my door AGAIN to ask if I had jump leads, lol. I really do need some. I offered to drive to Tesco to buy some, as I wouldn’t mind the fresh air and would resolve it quickly. ๐Ÿ˜จ

        Liked by 1 person

      15. The joke is that the usual floorboards sound is GONE! That guy appears to be somewhere else for the night! I was really benefiting from that peace earlier! It’s hysterically fucking ironic ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚

        Liked by 1 person

      16. Ok I’m done writing, don’t want to keep you :D. I’ll try to relax. I hope you have a good night! ๐ŸŒ™๐Ÿ’™

        Liked by 1 person

      17. They were ‘resolved’ ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‡

        Liked by 1 person

      18. When that happens, I also feel the anxiety of feeling trapped here, not having a choice in living here, that really really compounds the anger and frustration! But with the noise going it all melts away again :).

        Liked by 1 person

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