Robin’s Request

Ok,
Here’s what would suit me,
I’m going to say it outright,
Because it’s about timeβ€”

A world of rigidity,
Does not suit me,

Regular hours,
And corporate greed,
Peak productivity,
β€”All for dollars…

Working for a paycheck,
Aiming for promotion,
Working in the abstract,
Whilst Twitter I check;

No,
Thanks;

And this is no idle feeling,
I am incapable,
Of doing those things;

I was born into a world,
Which expects a conformity,
Highly unnatural,
And the opposite of me;

It’s all or nothing,
There’s only one way this works,
To have passion at all,
Is blessed good luck;

You say I’m intelligent,
And have various skills,
β€”Judging by the evidence,
I’d probably agree;

Yet have I ever felt competent?
No,
In my ability confident?
No,
Not in any of the jobs I’ve had,
At least,
Or places of education,
Except very occasionally;

But with writing…
With creating…
With no big goal in mind,

Just waiting…
For inspiration,
Within my playful mind,

I am perfect at that,
Too perfect,
I could write all day,
And I cannot help it.

πŸŒͺ

13 thoughts on “Robin’s Request

    1. Interesting question! I appreciate the directness :D. Glad you feel like you can ask.

      Oh that’s really hard to answer, lol. Definitely not something as extreme as bullying. But I don’t want to try to read too much into things either.

      But for sure I’ve experienced rejection in the form of feeling like a social/intellectual/emotional misfit. I could find countless examples of feeling rejected, for sure, by different kinds of people. I can also be too intense. I just have so much goddamn energy and emotion! A lot of interests, that I rarely get to talk about, especially the more ‘unusual’ ones.

      A lot of that makes sense in the context of autism. Perhaps especially for those who go undiagnosed for a long time, because you lack explanations for things, or sympathy with yourself. So yeah I’ve had a ton of criticism overall.

      I can definitely say that I’ve very rarely received praise or encouragement, especially when it comes to education or work, which was very tough as I really thrive on feedback and feeling of cooperation.

      And actually at both school and work, there’s been frustration from teachers/managers at the disparity between my intelligence/potential and what I’m actually doing. Which just results in frustrated school reports, rather than celebrating what I am actually managing to do.

      I will keep thinking about this, though! It’s interesting. Thanks. How about you?

      Like

    2. Actually there’s one exception to all of thisβ€” I did manage to work in a technology company which really appreciated peoples’ personalitiesβ€” which is the only reason I managed to not get fired. I WAS celebrated there for my social skills and gregariousness and ability to work and get along with people. I even won an award for it. Which is also why I thought I couldn’t be autistic…

      But those skills weren’t relevant to my actual output so I really struggled. They kept me because everybody liked me! Which was also a continual insult in a way because I wanted to be celebrated for my technical skills in my actual job! Which I WAS good at, but only sometimes, and therefore I was totally lacking confidence too.

      Sorry for such long essays! Thanks so much for asking πŸ’™.

      Like

    3. Actually yeah the theme of experiencing disappointment (from other people and myself) at not meeting my potential has been a very strong one. Anxiety about this unspoken fact that we so clearly agree upon has been great.

      Like

    4. I have been judged as stupid so many times, in so many situations. There was a professor at university who shouted that I’m a stupid twat once. I felt this judgement within family plenty of times. School-teachers, hating me for no reason, thinking I’m an idiot, because I’m thinking differently and asking unusual questions, bullying me. I tried wheelchair basketball in 2018 and I was really good at it, I picked it up so fast, I was loving it. But I had to stop because the coach was bullying me, discriminating against me and thought I was an idiot because I had a specific way of learning the drills he tried to teach us.

      So actually yes, I’ve experienced bullying, but from an unexpected source. I managed to mostly avoid bullying from kids by hitting back out of pure indignation/anger, which always solved things.

      Like

    5. At school I was a loner because I fell in-between two polarised groups of peopleβ€” the emotional, physically-minded ones and the boring, intellectual ones.

      Like

  1. Huh… I can relate to so many things you wrote. I’m glad you’ve opened up as much as you did, you’ve really surprised me.
    I’ve been treated as a gifted kid until I was 8. Everything changed after that. My mom moved a lot, so I’ve changed many teachers and kids. And they bullied me to the point I’ve convinced myself that I’m the stupidest person on this planet (I’m still in the low self-esteem mode, but I can see some spots of intelligence under my blonde hair).
    I also have one similar job experience at technology company, where they let me be an editor, designer, web developer, photographer and computer technician – all at once πŸ™‚ You can imagine my work schedule – I was so obsessed with work, I barely ate or sleep πŸ˜€ I still miss that job, brings up some great memories…
    Thanks for sharing so many thoughts today, you got me thinking too (hello insomnia!).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Maja! I really appreciated this comment πŸ™‚.

      Thank you so much for not being overwhelmed by all of my messages! Many people would have been. πŸ’™.

      That is terrible and shocking about the bullying. It always horrifies me to hear of thatβ€” I am not surprised that there are still lasting effects, because even though I can’t actually imagine what it’d be like, I can imagine it enough to have an idea of how horrible it would be.

      So, it is HUGEly in your credit that you are doing your best to counteract all of that now, and have signs of building your self-esteem back up. How much support have you had for thatβ€” e.g. counselling? You do indeed have a ton of good qualities from what I can tell so farβ€” and certainly very high intelligence! πŸ˜‰β€” both emotional and analytical it seems.

      I found that fascinating about your technology jobs. I’ve worked as a web developer, and also devops! Both in a company and freelance. And that’s so cool how they let you do the perfect job (at the time) for you 😁. You clearly have many skills! πŸ’™

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Sorry I took a while to reply, by the way, I really wanted to be able to give it time and thought.

      Like

  2. I love this! I think it’s one of the most frustrating things about this world – the conformity that is expected, the way we are all expected to be the same. We should be celebrating differences, and clearing paths so that EVERYONE’S talents are recognised.
    Please don’t ever stop writing. There’s always so much that you manage to say in your poems. Love them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was so encouraging, thank you!

      I thought it was funny that you said something about this subject just after I had published that…!

      Like

  3. Bullying was just a breeze to other things I went through. It wasn’t nice, but it was far from the cruelest. I did have some counceling (a bit too late) and I’m currently in the middle of another, more intensive one.
    What about you, did you seek for any help about your ADHD, or do you manage it by yourself?
    Thanks for your kindeness and compassion. πŸ™‚ It means a lot.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s