Anger

Oh man,

Lying awake, I’ve just realised,
The effect that anger has had,
In my life,

Anger or despair,
They come out the same,

Despair contains anger,
Anger at my situation,

There are reasons,
I couldn’t get along with parents,
Or my brother,
In a bad situation,

But my aunt too, who was so far removed,
Removed from the childhood situations,
For it to be plain association,

Whatever its origin,
And I could sure list contributing factors,
Emotional experiences,
Intense challenges and traumas,

The fact is,
It afflicts me now,
And in this bad period,
It comes out all too often,

The supernova the other day (and I am drawn to supernovae),
At the doctor,
Which helped me that time,
But so not worth it for the other patients,

This one response,
Can make somebody’s opinion change,
In a heartbeat,

I’m an intellectual,
I’m athletic,
I’m a programmer,
I’m pragmatic,
I like to play instruments,
I’m empathetic,
I like to learn languages,
I’m optimistic,

A person can understand all of this,

But when they see this one reaction,
In one situation,
What they (most people) see is:

I’m an angry person,

Sometimes forever,

Because when I get angry,
When I am feeling despair,
To such an extreme extent,
My body goes on fire,

I lose all inhibition,
Logic no longer works,
There is no past or future,
Only a now,

And there’s an intense energy,
That has to come out,

When I’ve poured that energy,
Into physical activities,
Like one time jumping in the pool angry,
I’ve felt superhuman,

But even then,
I still have to shout,
And all too often,
That’s my only outlet,

It’s impossible to imagine any other way,
Where would all that energy go?
My heart would just explode,

But at least, now that I’ve named it,
I can learn more about it,
And hope eventually, to change it,

And I come back again,
To the thought of meditation,
For that has so far,
Been my best preparation.

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