An OCD Example

If your OCD is weirder than mine,
I’ll give you a medal,

I’ve just been sitting here,
For 40 minutes,
Trying to explain to myself,
Why I sent 2 too many messages,

Quickly updating somebody,
Who helped me today,
Typing away on the keyboard,
Too-long fingernails getting in the way,

That new anxiety, distracting,
Took away my focus,
Reduced my inhibition,

And what was it I said?
“I was just too stuck once i was in Sarah’s office, too many rituals”
“It’s so nice to have encouragement, it’s so hard to explain to people how losing time to mental loops isn’t from lack of trying“,

I was afraid, that since she’d replied,
She’d worry that I’d get carried away,
But no,
I intended to respect her time,

I’d already said thank you,
So it was superfluous,
But as superfluous messages go,
Give yourself a break man!

The rumination then,
How did it go?

Well, my breathing had to be just so,
As I framed the thought,
No cars had to go past,
No doors suddenly closed,

Also, I couldn’t have a headache,
From all the controlled breathing,
My mental state had to be,
Just so,

But …
I didn’t complete the ritual,
I wrote this instead,
Good choice,

That is unfortunately,
How it went for much of the year,
Better recently,
I relapsed today,

God it’s been hard,
Noticing things, controlling things,
On such a microscopic, nonsensical scale,

Trying to get that perfect alignment,
Of external events, and mind,
Before I could move on,

It’s ridiculous!
And the fear is, having written that,
That it will reflect on me,

But me is still there underneath,
Me was laidback,
Too laidback to some,
So I know better,

I see the events,
The isolation,
The out-of-control mental habits,
That lead to this,

Although I still had a bedtime poem I had to say every night when I was 5,
But that’s another story!

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